The Stages

The five stages of grief are ridiculous! They don’t happen one at a time, they don’t happen as distinct stages, they are overwhelming and terrifying!! There is no timeline, they re-occur, they are never truly done! They can’t be ticked off!

This week I have been through all 5 each day- I feel like I might be going mad! The loss is greater, the loneliness is greater, the hope is less! I miss him, I miss us, I miss me!

E x

 

 

Trying to Live

I have started to venture back into the world, and am so surprised at how upsetting it is that life is moving on when I just want it to stand still! I don’t want to move on, I want time to stop, so it means I can be closer to him- closer to the last time he held me, kissed me, told me he loved me! But unfortunately that is not life. I have to be prepared to move forward but I don’t think I will ever know how to move on! I miss his smile, his sarcastic sense of humour, his bear hugs, and even the times we were arguing!

A friend send me on a plan to protect your mental health at times when it is challenged-

• Connect: I am staying close to my friends and family, talking to them, talking about him; and I am continuing with counselling.
• Be Active: I have decided to climb Mt Kilimanjaro in July, it is something we had talked about together (with S laughing that he would see me when I get home and cheer me on from afar- as you may have guessed he wasn’t a huge fan of walking!), and my training allows me to focus on getting out and staying active, on my own and with others.
• Take Notice: this is one I am working on, but haven’t quite managed- I find meditation and mindfulness activities difficult at the moment.
• Keep Learning: I have just completed a bread making course, and am looking into photography as it was one of his passions which I want to try and share a little more!
• Give: I am completing Kilimanjaro for myself and for my guy, bringing him with me and showing myself/ proving to myself that I can survive! I am also raising money for Cancer Research to hopefully prevent other families having to go through something similiar in the future!

So my love I am trying, trying to survive, trying to live. I will continue to try,  to try and pray for strength to continue, to get through the day, to find me again, to live, laugh and love.

So my love please continue to help me!

E xx