Since September I have been here trying to flourish but instead feel like I flounder continually. I have been filling my calendar in an attempt to live. I am keeping the motion in my life- I am trying to say yes to things- Cuba for Christmas, trips with friends, dinners, a mud run, concerts, comedy gigs, yoga and joining a running club. Sometimes I smile and laugh, but I also cry! My heart is heavy, empty and hurts, people forget and expect me to be OK. From the outside I am working, I am doing things, I laugh but what others don’t see is the pain. I feel like screaming, I am not OK- I feel that I am failing- I am floundering and just about surviving! Don’t get me wrong I am doing better than I was, there are more moments of hope for the future, but the journey is lonelier and harder than I could have ever imagined. I am left wondering when or if this pain will ease, when I will feel OK- when I will laugh and mean it! Will I ever feel happy again, carefree? I don’t think I realised the impact of grief on self-esteem and confidence- which are so low at the moment.
All the firsts are filled with heightened emotions- his birthday in October left me utterly devastated. I am facing into December and it’s horrific- what would have been our 1st wedding anniversary, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our engagement- the happiness and hope of such occasions now add to the pain. As others continue their lives and push forward I find it more difficult than anything else to deal with, for example my sister has a new partner and I am delighted for her, she has bought a new house- she is moving on with her life, while I am in this state of just surviving. I seem to be pulled between wanting to move forward and needing to stay exactly where I am. I want all the the same things that we wanted together- I want someone special in my life (but now I need to be OK alone), I want a family, but I want them with him. I am scared for the future, I am terrified that I won’t have all of the things everyone else has. As someone pointed out to me it is nearly 2 years of cancer, caring for him, anticipatory grief and then the eventual grief. I am exhausted and I am scared.
I am trying to be grateful- I loved and was loved, I know how lucky I am to have experienced such love! I know that my life changed beyond all recognition in the space of a year, in a very negative manner, but there is hope that life can also change for the better in a year also and maybe I can be lucky again! I try to hold on to the love and the joy, and that a bad day does not mean a bad life- and that the future will be better! I hold on to my loves hopes for me to be ok, and live a full life- and meet somebody, and I hope in time that can happen, and I can allow it to happen!
Please my love stay with me and help me- I love you now and always will